The Introverted "People-Pleasing" Artist, Part 2
So what is this "People-Pleasing Artistry"?
For me, it has been the evolution of methods I have used to make friends, oftentimes at the cost of my own happiness and self-fulfillment.
At the time, I call these behaviors “selfless,” “compassion,” etc. But the truth is, deep down inside, I desperately seek affirmation from a world that has never fully understood my quirkiness. Confirmation that I do, in fact belong and deserve friendship.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that it hit me; the depth of my dysfunction: the depth of my lack of self-love.
I was forced to examine all the very close friendships that have ‘worked’ and those that have ‘gone wrong,' that is, an unfriendly falling out had ensued. And given my intense need for these relationships, they would break my heart to the point of pain: literally.
I saw a common thread: those that worked, hung out with me just because and sought me out as much as I did. Those that went wrong? I had taken on the role of customer, client, confidant in some shape or form…
I never saw it. And then, the flood of memories from my past suddenly made sense. Yes, there are people out there that happily take advantage of those broken enough to people-please without any expectations. And these people? I called them friends.
I have certainly grown from my childhood days of repeatedly letting kids borrow toys only to never give them back. I also grew out of dating guys just because they helped me with my homework or had the courage to ask me to homecoming.
Yet... had I really grown, or simply evolved to the changing demands of my environment?
I’m sure you can relate. But, there are NO victims, right? SO true! So – why? Why would I go to such lengths – to the point of self-sabatoge – just so people can like me?
And that’s what brings us here. The stories that have followed me wherever I went. The lessons that went unlearned. How my insecurities really did affect my journey, but not towards a total loss.
Towards true and real awareness. And towards facing head-on this ugly monster I have kept by my side for far too long. A monster that tells me I am worthless, ugly and an outsider to a world that is in fact, beautiful, and full of friends. I know it lies to me. I know it is there. And I’m taking the skeletons out once and for all so that the light of day can burn them to ashes.
No more lies. I chose love.