The Introverted "People-Pleasing" Artist, Part 1
I quietly worked on my assignment in class, when I heard the whispering of my 2nd grade teacher and my science teacher,
“Such a smart girl…”
I admit it, I beamed at overhearing that…
My teacher then went on,
“…she could do such great things… but…”
“what do you mean?”
“well, she’s so terribly shy…”
That was my first encounter with the concept that my shyness was a negative. And these sort of remarks would follow me throughout. Commentary that since I was not a natural born leader, I had to be a follower, and that was a obviously a bad thing.
That somehow this was going to get in the way of my supposed success. I could have done anything with my mathematical-writer-musician brain – but my shyness would ruin everything.
Yes, I have always been a bit – ok, a LOT – more sensitive than my peers when it came to other’s projections and attitudes towards me. And this oftentimes got in the way of my goals.
And then there was the fact that I felt terribly inadequate and ugly. It was hard making friends when I surmised that no one really had any reason to desire my friendship anyway.
To be honest. I feel sad for my kid self... I honestly don’t know what happened to me as a kid to make me that way. I don’t recall some childhood trauma or anything. But I know there was a day somewhere in my little person life that made me self-conscious and would struggle with it for far too long.
A struggle that would take decades to even begin to untangle. This would connect the decisions and lack of decisions, to my life-long devotion on the mastery of "people pleasing", the poorly mistaken weakness of "loving too much" - when it is actually the complete opposite of love.
To be continued…